A few warm and fuzzy friendship moments

I. At Tassajara Mountain Zen Center

High up on the mountains in Tassajara Mountain Zen Center, surrounded by wilderness and the running stream, I confessed to my sangha group, “I’ve never felt so at ease with a group before”.

The background anxiety I’ve come to associate with being in a group setting is similar to a leaking faucet dripping water in the background. I could always hear it. But that was the watershed moment when I could feel the self-consciousness of always watching my tongue, worrying what others think of me, melting away.

Acceptance. Not by an individual. By a group. Magical. I didn’t think it was possible. Isn’t connection and acceptance always personal, one that could only occur between two people? But there at Tassajara, I didn’t feel a particularly strong connection with anyone of them, just an easiness with the group.

That whole place was a dream. Everyone was eager to talk to each other, with such sincerity and interest, without the distraction of phones. Bathing together fully naked had opened us up, we bared our souls to each other… yet I had always known we would not get another opportunity like that in the outside world.

But that was enough. That was all that I need. Full acceptance by a group.

II. At some shooting range in Virginia

Bang Bang Bang. It was loud, with a strong smoky smell of ammunition. Cling Clack, the sound of bullet shells dropping on the floor. I was so scared to even touch that gun.

I was there with Q, Andrew and Emmie. Andrew was the instructor of the day, teaching us how to shoot. Although he quickly realized I was the only newbie to this. Q had shot guns before. In fact Q was decent at it, putting his right hand in his back, shooting with his left hand. He is ambidextrous. He seemed confident, calm, at ease when shooting. I asked him how. He said shooting helps him breathe.

Andrew carefully laid out the ground rules, never wave the gun around (when you don’t intend to shoot), never put your hand on the trigger (when you don’t intend to shoot). He also showed me the right posture, stand with two feet slightly parted, one foot forward. When he came up close to me, the physical proximity had made me feel close to him. It was just for a fleeting moment but it registered – He was like a brother I never had.

Q was right. To shoot consciously, one needs to breathe right. It was like meditation. I was in the flow. Jeez, I would never associate shooting with meditation before this experience. Yet it happened.

III. Somewhere in the suburbs, probably one of Q’s friends’ house

Unlike the previous two, for this one I cannot pinpoint a single moment. It was more like a series of moments, that all together stitched together and turned into a feeling.

I was with Q’s friends and I felt totally at ease, myself, and chatty. This friend group is a vibe. These guys are very touchy with each other (affectionate), witty, and love a good dirty joke. They are being themselves. They don’t pretend. They are also very open and willing to share what’s going on in their lives. I considered that. What gave them the confidence to be so vulnerable, when society doesn’t encourage men to talk about their feelings? It’s the social code that runs in the group. They know they won’t be judged and will be supported.

It’s a weird analogy, but I’m starting to feel this group – can’t even call it a group anymore since it’s so large – is an extension of Q himself. Every single bro of his is so unique in their own way, but also every single one of them reflects something of Q. An unspoken loyalty, a quiet discipline, a witty and dry sense of humor. It’s like every single one of them is a mirror lens that all reflects back on him.

I also love how these guys treat their women. The girls who are regulars to these social events are all confident in their own skin and outspoken (about sex and other topics). Almost raunchy, always know how to turn up and have fun.

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Once I felt being accepted by a group once or twice, it cracked an opening in my constantly-in-the-background social anxiety. I can’t say I’m at ease now in a group social situation, but I know it’s possible, because I’ve lived it.